Seriously? I'm not exercising. I'm thinking about it. Planning on doing it. Talking about it. Watching other people do it. Wishing I was doing it. Feeling guilty that I'm not doing it. Feeling untoned and mushy. And guilty. Very guilty. I wake up in the morning and think about it - how I'll exercise, when I'll exercise. And then the day unfolds and I don't do it. So I'm hoping to post here each morning my plan for exercise, and then post again that evening with a report on what I did - not whether I did it because that's no longer a choice - but what I did. At least for a few days until I can get back into the habit of doing something physical every day.
Besides feeling mushy and untoned - you know, that feeling where all of your muslces just seem to be hanging there holding on but not doing anything? Besides that awful feeling, I'm waking up feeling all achey. Lower back, calves, sometimes feet. Feeling achey and oldish. And I know that routine - daily! - exercise will take care of all of that. The best thing I could do to take care of both would be pilates. All that stretching seems to take care of the ache and the tone. So, before sunset, I will complete a pilates tape. Now, to go for the gold, I will also go for a two mile walk.
Hopefully this public promise will get my sorry ass moving.

Why is it so incredibly easy to get off track? Miss one day of exercise and the next day it's so much easier to make an excuse not to do it. Easier the next, even easier the next and pretty soon you're not doing anything at all. I have fallen off the exercise wagon - why? Real answer - I'm not doing it. But in trying to figure out what happened - 1. Busy - some travel for work and work itself. 2. Company - living on a lake means that summer time is fully loaded company-wise. 3. Had a couple of days where I didn't feel all that great.  What should I have done? 1. Scheduled exercise even when traveling and even when busy at work. Schedule it lke a dentist's appointment or a lunch. 2. Invite the company to go along. 3. Suck it up, be a man, exercise - and probably end up feeling better because of it. Did I do any of that? No.
It's so odd, because when I exercise I eat better. When I exercise I feel better. When I exercise I lose weight. When I exercise, I sleep better. When I exercise I feel better about myself. So what in the world is keeping me from it? So odd.

Whew! I was so scared that yesterday was going to turn into a binge of massive proportions. But it didn't. I had a balanced breakfast, lunch and dinner and some reasonable snacks. About 1200 calories. And a walk. And forgiveness for yesterday. And water. All the right stuff. But the most important tool was the forgiveness part. Telling myself that it is ok to screw up big time. That I can screw up here and there and now and then and still keep this weight off and still keep losing, still keep getting healthy. That is so different from my weight loss efforts of the past where if I had a slip up - I'd fall back quickly into old habits. I'd give up so easily at the first transgression and then all the weight I had lost would come back along with an additional ten or fifteen unwanted pounds. But not this time. It's almost as if the habit of my plan is stronger than the habit of the binge. Which means I'm winning. Which is very cool.
When I was at work today I passed a woman in the hallway. She was wearing knee length shorts. Her calves seemed to explode out of the pants because they were so incredibly heavy. Crisscrossed with vericose veins, they looked swollen and painful - the skin stretched so tight it looked like it would burst. She made her way slowly down the hallway, her body lurching from side to side as she struggled to walk. And there was another woman who had several rolls above her stomach - pounds and pounds and pounds all dragging around with her every day. Those are my pictures of what I could become if I don't continue to live my plan. I know how quickly I gain weight back - so from here to where those women are is not all that long a time - just a whole lot of eating - a whole lot of binging. I don't think less of those women - of how obese they have become - because I know inside they are just like me and that right now for them, food is in charge of them. I'm so grateful for the control I have been able to find and so grateful for the opportunity to regain and own my own health.

Oh, boy. It started with a healthy and fun breakfast out. My usual veggie omelet - all good. But then we went to a craft festival and therre it was. Kettle Korn. Damn. So we were going to a party where we needed to bring something and it was my brilliant idea to bring Korn. What was I thinking? I said something like, "Oh, lets get Kettle Korn and we can take it to the party." but inside I was saying, "All for me, all for me, all for me." And I did my best at the party to inhale as much of it as I possibly could. Along with a lot of other stuff that other people brought. Inhalation at warp speed.  And because we bought the super humongous bag, the hostess sent the remainder home with me where I just finished attacking it again. I did manage to wrap the rest of it up and put it out in the trash in the garage. And I now I sit here with great big popcorn (and other stuff) bloat stomach and wonder why in the world I did that to myself. I completely justified the purchase when I knew - I knew! - that I would eat most of it. This is the first time in a long time when I did not listen to my real voice - instead I listened to the whiney little eight year old in me who wanted the popcorn and wanted it now. So how do I handle a slip? Or in this case, a full tilt slide? First of all I admit that I did it instead of pretending that it didn't happen or lying to myself about it. I've already done that here. And second, I forgive myself for screwing up which is harder than it sounds. And third, I get up tomorrow morning, I put my sneakers on and I eat well. That's it. If I fall back into the horrid cycle of regret, remorse, blame, guilt, and self loathing - I'll put back all the weight I've lost in no time at all. Funny how long it takes to get it off and how fast it can all come back. 
Here's to a better tomorrow.