At my heaviest I weighed 267. I've lost over 60 of those pounds which I know is a great achievement. I'm struggling to lose the last 40. I seem to go up five and down the same five over and over. Not sure why I'm unable - yet - to go the last way but I'm pretty sure I'll figure it out. But when I was 267 I was a big girl. Wearing 3x clothes. Size 24. Big. I'm tall so I have a long frame to stretch that weight over - but still I was huge. And I felt that weight every time I got in my car, every time I sat or stood or rolled over in bed. All those rolls and lumps and extra stuff.
Because of this journey I have become more aware of the heavy people around me. I stopped in a convenience store yesterday and the clerk took up most of the room behind the counter. As she waited on customers - stooping to retrieve cigarettes from behind the counter - she huffed and puffed and carried herself in a way that spelled - to me at least - resignation. She wore no makeup, no jewelry. And in the brief time I was in the store, I saw no joy on her face. Has she just given up, given in to food? Allowed it to take over her everything? I think so. She had to be 350. Maybe more. Huge stomach, back, legs, arms. just an explosion of a person. And I felt so sorry for her. I know what she's doing when she's alone, because I've been there. And even though I know that stuffing myself with food fixes nothing - in fact, creates more problems - I still ocassionally cave into fixing my prolems with food. The sweet release of chocolate melting in my mouth. The satisfying crunch of the first potato chip - especially a fold over one - from the new bag of Lay's. It is still a constant pull that I have to plan against by having the food I need on hand. By not going to the those places I know carry my triggers. But this woman stayed with me all day - still have her with me this morning - and I feel so bad for her for being so lost in food that she has lost herself. And there is so much joy to be had. Little stuff. Yesterday I saw a llittle four year old boy wearing long shorts with big sharks printed all over them. the only other thing he was wearing was a very strange pair of sunglasses. And he cracked me up. Had a great chat with a good friend and that filled me up. Had a fun night with friends - nothing special, just sitting around talking. But if I let that stuff fill me up, fill the hole in my soul, than I don't need the candy and the salt - because that's only a temporary fix. As soon as my blood sugar level drops, I'll need to go off and find more of the stuff to fix me and eventually I will become that lady at the conenience store.
I will win this battle. I will.

Had a wonderful conversation with a good friend today - and we covered many topics - but what stayed with me on my drive home (my no food in the car drive home) was our chat about past hurts. This comes from Geneen Roth's book Women Fodd and God but is applicable to so many situations. And it is so simple. The past is over with. It can not be changed. No matter how much I wish certain things had not happened, that certain people did not do the things they did - stuff happened to me and around me and a lot of it was painful but it's over. I will never suffer that particular hurt again. So I can choose to wallow in the pain of the past and for me there is a lot of it - or I can choose to get on with it. Wallowing leads to binging. Moving on leads to health. Easy decision. Tough to keep on the path.
But I kept on the path today.

Did you see Oprah today? Not sure if it was a rerun - but I definitley hadn't seen it before. It was a celebration of major league weight loss. One woman had lost over 500 pounds. 500!!!!! Most of the losses - and there were lots of people on the show - most of the losses were over 100 pounds. No surgeries. One woman did it through weight watchers, another by eating 6 or 8 small meals a day. All talked about exercise. One woman resorted to running in the cemetary because when she started at her highest weight and was walking out side, a car full of teenage boys chucked a bottle at her. They didn't hit her, but really scared her into walking in the safety of the cemetary. It truly was inspiring.
But what really resonated for me is how many of the people talked about being in a 'stupor' or being 'disconnected from my own life.' They talked about eating just to eat, night time binging (my personal expertise) and letting the food be in control of them rather than the other way around. And to a person, they glowed. They grinned, they giggled, they glowed. Happiness poured out of them. And I know why. Because they were in control. Finally. Some of them after years and years and years of being out of control. The woman who lost over 500, also was a heavy smoker. And she quit that, too. All of them talked about getting their life back.
Good day today for me. No sugar at all. Lots of good food. And I walked. And like the people on Orpah, I feel in control.

Geneen Roth who wrote Women, Food and God was on Oprah again today - or I should say they reran the show she did earlier this year. And i watched it again because it had such a big impact on me. And I took away something different this time. I have often talked about how - when I eat well and exercise - I can almost hear my motor running. And I've also talked about how much happier I am when I do both of those things. I feel more alive and much more present in my life. When I am not binging, I feel so clear and can see the direction I need to go in. And they talked about it today. They called it an aliveness or a connection. When I allow myself to 'feel the full extent of emotions' instead of stuffing them down with food, I feel alive instead of comatose. It feels as if 'everything's possible.' Geneen says that 'we are hungry for something that we can not name.' Oprah talked about one reason that she eats - when she has to say no to someone and then she feels like she has disppointed them and that they will be upset with her. She feels that if she doesn't please that person, she will somehow be destroyed. And so she eats. They also talked a lot about the varioius experiences of childhood - abuse - and how we all need to remember that that pain is done. Over with. That you can take care of yourself now. Protect yourself. And Geneed talked a lot about treating ourselves with kindness - espeically when we are looking in the mirror. She said, "Only kindness ever makes sense."  They and some audience members talked about how the question with almost everyone with an addiction is, Am I good enough? That that is at the bottom of everyone's soul. I'm not enough. I'm not good enough. Nobody lkes me the way I am.
Only kindness. I like that.