Lesley Gore:  You don't own me - - - sung loud at the top of my lungs and dedicated to sugar.....

You don't own me...

And don't tell me what to do
And don't tell me what to say
And please when I go out with you
Don't put me on display cause
 You don't own me don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me Don't tie me down cause I'll never stay.

Bite me sugar. You don't own me anymore. Ever again. I'm so over you. I'm done with you. You don't own me.

Now, if I can just believe myself when I say that.
Brand new day tomorrow. No sugar. Back to fruit, veggies, protein. Lots of water.
I'm back.
Bite me, sugar.

There is a spoiler alert on this one. I just finished reading Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol. If you haven't read it yet, you might not want to keep reading. The book is wonderfully well written - tight, suspenseful, action packed. A mystery based on religious symbols set in D.C. There is so much in this novel to consider and one of the many points is that the human body - every person - is and ought to be a temple. That we can do great things if we focus on the positive and look inward to find a higher power.  When I am not binging, my life is so much better on every level. I am able to focus on the people around me, am able to enjoy conversations, am able to be calm within any moment. When I'm binging, all of that disappears in the desperate need/compulsion for food. It's hard to hear what someone else is saying to me if my brain is busy asking 'where's the food? what do I have? When can I get it? Is there enough? Who's watching? Can I get to the store?' It's hard to accomplish anything with this freight train of an addiciton blasting its way through every part of my life. 
I've written recently about not exercising and I still haven't begun. And I've slipped with my eating program as well. I think the two go hand in hand. When my body isn't being used, isn't feeling toned, my defenses are weakened. There's an old familiar pattern returning and I hate to see it back in my life - it's this pattern where I wake up, plan to have a great day, last a few hours and then make a poor decision about food. And the day caves in on itself and at the end of the day I lay in bed and hate myself for what I haven't done (exercise) and what I have done. (eat.)
Back to the book - if I were to view my body as a temple and truly believe that, how could I continue to abuse it? I would never walk into anyone's place of worship and desecrate it - even if I strongly disagreed or even hated the belief system of that particular religion. And yet I desecrate my own temple daily.
    So, a new and public re-commitment to my plan. Time to take care of my temple.

Ok, now I'm avoiding writing in this blog just the same way I am avoiding exercise. What is going on with me? I saw a picture of Mia Hamm - the soccer player - and was looking at the amazing definition of the muscles in her legs.  While I have never had that level of definition, I have had leg muscles - nicely toned leg muscles  - in my past. But not now. For a while when I was exercising every day I could feel the return and redefiniton of those leg muscles. But now that I'm on this - break? vacation? leave? excuse? whatever it is - my leg muscles have left the building. And I miss them. I miss that feeling of springing up easily - or out - or over - or back and forth. I'm not springing anywhere. I'm back to plodding. What in the world is going to get me off my ass???????? Perhaps I need to plaster my walls with Mia's legs. And every other female athlete. The only thing that is standing in my way is me. So move already!

Seriously? I'm not exercising. I'm thinking about it. Planning on doing it. Talking about it. Watching other people do it. Wishing I was doing it. Feeling guilty that I'm not doing it. Feeling untoned and mushy. And guilty. Very guilty. I wake up in the morning and think about it - how I'll exercise, when I'll exercise. And then the day unfolds and I don't do it. So I'm hoping to post here each morning my plan for exercise, and then post again that evening with a report on what I did - not whether I did it because that's no longer a choice - but what I did. At least for a few days until I can get back into the habit of doing something physical every day.
Besides feeling mushy and untoned - you know, that feeling where all of your muslces just seem to be hanging there holding on but not doing anything? Besides that awful feeling, I'm waking up feeling all achey. Lower back, calves, sometimes feet. Feeling achey and oldish. And I know that routine - daily! - exercise will take care of all of that. The best thing I could do to take care of both would be pilates. All that stretching seems to take care of the ache and the tone. So, before sunset, I will complete a pilates tape. Now, to go for the gold, I will also go for a two mile walk.
Hopefully this public promise will get my sorry ass moving.