I've often read that people who exercise with a friend are more apt to go to the gym. It's easier to break promises to yourself than it is to disappoint a friend. Knowing that your workout partner is waiting for you makes you get up and put your shoes on and walk out the door. I've been wishing for a workout partner. Someone who would help keep me on the straight and narrow path toward weight loss. I have friends I swim with but our schedules only allow for this once in a while. It just won't work out to be a regular thing. I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself for being partner-less until this morning. I weighed in - we all know what that's like. The dread/anticipation of facing that number in the little window. I've had a streak of great days and a couple of workouts in the pool. I was expecting good news. But as it often does the scale did not do what I wanted and instead it showed a gain. A gain! And not a little gain but two full pounds. The anger was immediate. WTF? I have done everything I'm supposed to be doing and not only is there no pay off - there's a big slap in the face. I considered throwing the scale through the closed window. I considered taking the scale to the kitchen and attacking it with several large knives. Deflated and discouraged I left the scale where it was - a nasty metallic square who daily taunts me. As I walked out of the bathroom my thoughts were something like this: "What's the point? I might as well be eating sugar if I'm just going to gain weight. I can't believe it." And lots more of that. Lots of feeling sorry for myself - lots of oh, poor me. But then I remembered this blog. And the people who are reading it. And though I might not have met you, you are out there somewhere. And I think some of you might just be cheering me on. I thought about how bad I would feel if I had to admit breaking my streak and caving in to the call of sugar. Having to admit to all of you that I let the scale dictate my behavior. I do have a partner - a virtual partner - you! So thanks for following my journey. Thanks for showing up in my head just when I was about to fall off the wagon. Thanks for allowing me to say the following - great day so far. Fruit for breakfast. A pretty salad of veggies and turkey for lunch. No sugar in my house or my car and no desperate voices in my head telling me to get in my car and make a sugar run.  Thanks, partner.

Food! It's everywhere right now. Every corner I turn reveals another tray full of frosted cutout cookies. I went to a meeting recently at someone's home and when the hostess very politely waved a tray of the most scrumptious looking chocolate covered peanut butter filled melt in your mouth patties I apparently said "NO!" a litlte too loudly - or so my friend tells me. It's hard enough to say no to all that sugar, but saying no politely is almost too much for me to handle. So I'm practicing: "No, thank you. It does look delicious." or "Oh, thanks, but I'm really full." I guess my hostess felt sorry for me because as I was leaving she presented me with a beautifully wrapped paper plate full of those little patties. Even had a red and green bow prettily tied atop it. Sheesh. Luckily my friend rode with me so I was able to re-gift it to her. If not I would have been tempted to rip open that covering and eat every single one of them on my way home.
 Most people don't understand binge behavior - don't realize that just a sugar laden bite can send me right back down the long slide to overeating. And I don't feel like wearing my addiction on a sash across my chest. So practicing ways to turn down energetic hostesses is one of the ways I'm planning on getting through this season. But I don't want to just get through it. I want to enjoy it. And that enjoyment has to come from places other than the food. Pretty little Ike our Christmas tree is doing a hell of a job keeping me entertained. Looking forward to time with family helps. Focusing on finding meaningful gifts helps.  Love the Christrmas carols so the music helps.
  But there will be food everywhere I go. I can either
 a) give in and eat it
b) resent that every one else gets to eat and get pissed off and eat it
c) have some of it thinking that I can handle which of course I can't so that will lead to more of it and then to a full blown binge or
d) make good choices for myself, for my health, and work my plan one day at a time - sometimes one minute at a time.
No swimming today - the pool was closed. Actually it will be closed for winter break (college pool) not opening again till mid-January. But since this is the best exercise for me with almost no impact, I think I'll try and find a local high school pool with open hours. Good food choices - breakfast out so a veggie omelet and dinner out too in an hour or so - probably protein and veggies. Another day of no sugar. I'm pretty proud of myself. Feeling good.

One of the many things that keeps me positive in a world that can easily spin anyone toward negativity or full blown depression is noticing little things. Like the way my cat Abe will gallop into the room at top speed, skid to a stop, look at me and then dash out again. What? Does he get called to a meeting? Some super secret cat society with signals so high pitched no human can hear them. Cracks me up every time he does it. Or the way he'll be in full speed mode and then drop down to lick his foot. Emergency foot licking. The sound of my husband's belly laugh as he watches Chevy Chase's Vacation for the millionth time. A good book, its pages filled with beautiful writing that carries me to a different place. My special oversized mug that holds my frequent tub of diet pepsi. A drive to work with just the right music on the radio. A driver that lets you go in front of them into a long line of traffic. Unexpected fun mail - not bills or ads but a real letter from an old friend. The unigue little twists to different people's personalities. I know someone who swears more creatively than anyone else I know. Or the guy at work with a sneeze bigger than Montana. My husband is famous in our family for naming things. He has named all of the various bikes we have owned over the years. Pets, boats, cars, sometimes even plants get names. This year for Christmas we decided to buy a small blue spruce - bring it inside for a few weeks and then plant it in our garden. As he carried it from the car to the deck I turned to him and said, "Well, what's his name?" He immediately replied, "Ike." Ike is now beautifully dressed in lights and ornaments and stands temporarily in our livingroom. I feel pretty good about the fact that he'll be sticking around and will become part of the family. 
Why am I writing about this in what should be a focused weight loss blog? Because noticing and enjoying the little things - just taking time to notice them - keeps my mind off food. I'm trying to retrain myself to actively look for things that make me smile or chuckle instead of actively looking for things to stuff in my face.  
Went swimming again today. Not as achey tonight. And let's see - banana for breakfast, chicken ceasar wheat wrap for lunch and a veggie omelet for dinner. No sugar again today. Feeling good.

Just back home from swimming laps. I met two friends at the pool and made an effort to keep up with them as we swam back and forth through the surprisingly warm water. And I found something there in the water - I found the athlete in me. By the end of the first few laps I thought I might die. Thought they'd be scooping me up off the bottom of the pool. But I kept going and eventually found an old rhythm - arms and legs working together to move me through the water. And it felt good. Felt good to move. Felt good to be back in the water. Felt good to look across and see my friends doing the same thing. Realized too late that the shower was gang style - no private little booths curtained off from others. But in a way that works well, too. Made me own up to what I've done to my body. You can't cover up much in a swim suit so it wasn't a huge step to drop it. So I showered in a room full of women and realized that none of their bodies were perfect either. A little cellulite here, a little saggy there.  So instead of focusing on my embarassment, I focused on the fact that I did it. I bought the googles and I showed up. And I'm going back tomorrow because I promised my friends I would. I'm going to rely on those promises to get me to the pool until that old athlete in me kicks in enough to get me to the pool all on my own.  As I sit here at my computer my upper arms are sore and my neck is a bit achey. But in a good way - in a I-moved-my-body-instead-of-being-a-couch-potato way.
So the sun is shining here in upatate New York - a rarity woth mentioning. We have a dusting of snow - just enough to reflect the sun in millions of tiny little sparkles. And why do I even care about the weather? Because I am not sitting here in a sugar haze feeling guilty about what I've eaten. Instead my body knows it moved today and so far I've had a banana and a slice of peanut buttered toast, and a big old salad full of pretty veggies. No guilt. Without all that guilt filling me up and weighing me down I'm able to look out the window and enjoy the view. I'm able to see my surroundings in a positive light.