Whew! I was so scared that yesterday was going to turn into a binge of massive proportions. But it didn't. I had a balanced breakfast, lunch and dinner and some reasonable snacks. About 1200 calories. And a walk. And forgiveness for yesterday. And water. All the right stuff. But the most important tool was the forgiveness part. Telling myself that it is ok to screw up big time. That I can screw up here and there and now and then and still keep this weight off and still keep losing, still keep getting healthy. That is so different from my weight loss efforts of the past where if I had a slip up - I'd fall back quickly into old habits. I'd give up so easily at the first transgression and then all the weight I had lost would come back along with an additional ten or fifteen unwanted pounds. But not this time. It's almost as if the habit of my plan is stronger than the habit of the binge. Which means I'm winning. Which is very cool.
When I was at work today I passed a woman in the hallway. She was wearing knee length shorts. Her calves seemed to explode out of the pants because they were so incredibly heavy. Crisscrossed with vericose veins, they looked swollen and painful - the skin stretched so tight it looked like it would burst. She made her way slowly down the hallway, her body lurching from side to side as she struggled to walk. And there was another woman who had several rolls above her stomach - pounds and pounds and pounds all dragging around with her every day. Those are my pictures of what I could become if I don't continue to live my plan. I know how quickly I gain weight back - so from here to where those women are is not all that long a time - just a whole lot of eating - a whole lot of binging. I don't think less of those women - of how obese they have become - because I know inside they are just like me and that right now for them, food is in charge of them. I'm so grateful for the control I have been able to find and so grateful for the opportunity to regain and own my own health.

Oh, boy. It started with a healthy and fun breakfast out. My usual veggie omelet - all good. But then we went to a craft festival and therre it was. Kettle Korn. Damn. So we were going to a party where we needed to bring something and it was my brilliant idea to bring Korn. What was I thinking? I said something like, "Oh, lets get Kettle Korn and we can take it to the party." but inside I was saying, "All for me, all for me, all for me." And I did my best at the party to inhale as much of it as I possibly could. Along with a lot of other stuff that other people brought. Inhalation at warp speed.  And because we bought the super humongous bag, the hostess sent the remainder home with me where I just finished attacking it again. I did manage to wrap the rest of it up and put it out in the trash in the garage. And I now I sit here with great big popcorn (and other stuff) bloat stomach and wonder why in the world I did that to myself. I completely justified the purchase when I knew - I knew! - that I would eat most of it. This is the first time in a long time when I did not listen to my real voice - instead I listened to the whiney little eight year old in me who wanted the popcorn and wanted it now. So how do I handle a slip? Or in this case, a full tilt slide? First of all I admit that I did it instead of pretending that it didn't happen or lying to myself about it. I've already done that here. And second, I forgive myself for screwing up which is harder than it sounds. And third, I get up tomorrow morning, I put my sneakers on and I eat well. That's it. If I fall back into the horrid cycle of regret, remorse, blame, guilt, and self loathing - I'll put back all the weight I've lost in no time at all. Funny how long it takes to get it off and how fast it can all come back. 
Here's to a better tomorrow. 

We had company for dinner tonight. A couple we haven't seen in a couple of years. They've always tended toward heavy, but I was almost shocked at their appearance tonight. Especially his. He is easily a hundred pounds over weight and most of it seems to be in his stomach. It's massive - bigger than most pregnant women at nine months. I had cheese and pepperoni and crackers and a chex mix out before dinner and I watched them plow through most of that. For dinner for four I put six rolls on the table and there was a full stick of butter. After dinner there were no rolls left and no butter and two of us did not eat any rolls. He used his rolls to soak up the meat juice on his plate. And still had room for dessert. That's thousands of calories eaten in just one sitting. He must be constantly looking for, planning for and eating food. He would have to take in hundreds and hundreds of calories to maintain his weight at its current level. They sniped at each other a lot - these little verbal barbs shooting across the table. No tender looks, no shared little laughs. So which came first? the weight or the unhappiness? the chicken or the egg. They were still arguing as they left, some silly disagreement over who was going to use the car in the morning. All I can think about are the habits we allow ourselves to fall into. They are in the habit of fighting about everything - so entrenched in the habit that they were unaware how tedious it was to listen to them. They are in the habit of inhaling thousands upon thousands of calories daily. They are in the habit of being obese. If they could take a step back, take a minute to think, to reassess, they might be able to change some of those habits and create happiness within their own lives. The way I have and continue to do every day. I stop and think now before I take that bite, buy that food, have that lick. I consider. I choose. And am therefore in control of my life instead of food - or unhappiness - being in charge of me. I'm not usually happy to see company leave - but I couldn't wait for this evening to be over - for them to take their negative habits home with them.

For some reason I was unable to access this blog from my laptop while traveling the last few days and I missed being able to journal here. But I'm home and back online after having spent four days with twenty spectacular strong funny smart women. Whenever I spend time like that in a creative pursuit with women who give so much to the collective effort, I wonder why it is that some women do their best to undermine other women? What causes one woman to become a supportive interested friend while another becomes underhanded and bitchy - willing to carry unfounded and hurtful gossip? Willing to offer up hurtful remarks about size and beauty. It has to have something to do with their own role models, with the way they themselves have been treated. But it is a hell of alot more fun - and so much more productive - to be with women - people - who are willing to offer the benefit of the doubt - who are interested in listening to what you have to say instead of looking around for someone perhaps - at least in their opinion - more interesting to talk to. When I am with people who offer their best, I want to offer my best and that includes staying true to my program. Because when I eat well, when I exercise, when I stay positive and on my program - I do have more to offer.
Or in the words of Jack Nicholsen in As Good As it Gets, working with fabulous women "make me want to be a better {wo}man."