Nothing earth shattering today - just a note saying that it's a beautiful day here - the oppressive heat wave has ended leaving us with sunny skies and a gentle breeze. People all over New York are once again able to breathe. Had a great breakfast of fresh strawberries and yogurt - yum - (pretty to look at, too) and am off to do some miles in my rowing shell. Got a new pile of books from the library for this afternoon and an evening with family. What's not to like about that? And me, one more day on the program, one more day not binging.

I remember a long time ago Dr. Phil saying that everything is based on perception. And I suppose he is correct. But it gets really screwey when it comes to a weight loss program. There is all the denial perception stuff that goes on when you're really heavy. Stuff like, "I'll start tomorrow." or "I can have just this one more (donut, burger, fries, candy, cake, cookie, all of it)" or "What difference does it make what I weigh?" And then there is all the perception stuff that goes on when you start losing. And right now I am knee deep in another stage of screwed up perceptions. Because I thought I was looking pretty good. Size 16's feeling a bit loose. Over 60 pounds gone. Looking good! And then I looked at some recent pictures of myself and they picked up my current perception and slammed it right on its wrong nosed head. Wow. One picture is of me sitting in a chair in shorts and my thighs look like overstuffed sausages. Over-over-stuffed. And the next photo - same chair - but now I'm leaning sort of sideways and you get the sausages along with the now obvious upper tummy roll. Lumps and bumps and way too much of me. Still.
My first reaction was sadness. Oh, poor me. Then mad. What? I did all this work and that's what I look like? Still? But then I kept scrolling through the pictures and there were some nicer ones of me. Better angles I guess. Better perceptions. And the resolve started to return. The urge to keep going no matter what. I'm so glad that it does return now. That the sad/mad/pity party is fleeting and that the resolve is stronger than the old pattern. Not always and not immediately, but eventually it comes back and I get back up, dust myself (and my sausage thighs) off and get back on the plan. Forever more. I still have 35 pounds to lose. That's a lot of weight to still be carrying around. In fact, on most BMI scales I still show up as 'very overweight' or that word I hate to even type - obese.
I need to continue to focus on what I have accomplished, instead of on the lumps and bumps that remain. I need to focus on the good photos so that my own perception stays in the positive range.

Sometimes I spend time feeling sorry for myself. I try to avoid it, but it happens. I feel sorry for myself because I can't eat like other people can - even like many of my family members can. I feel sorry for myself because what I would really like to have for breakfast this morning is a triple decker hot fudge sundae. And that's not on the plan. But a weekend like this past one shocks me back into perspective. All you have to do is take a look at the headlines - the oil spill still threatening and ruining the beaches in the Gulf, still endangering and killing so much wildlife, the article in the paper about the boy just graduated - only child of a single mom - killed in a senseless car accident, people around the world who live in constant and chronic poverty - - - and somehow my little need for a sundae looks a bit ridiculous. I know that it's all relative and that we each of us respond to the world according to our own path through it - but I do need to remember how small this problem I have is. I have a problem with food - with abusing food - that makes me gain weight and threatens my health (and threatens my self image as all those extra pounds are unattractive) This problem is within my own power to fix. The rest of my life? Great. Challenging work, funny and quirky and delightful and creative family, laughter daily - sometimes hourly - - - so, do I really have the right to feel sorry for myself about this one thing? Not really. Will I? Sure. The very next time I want something and can't have it. But I'll try to remember a little bit faster than I have been - that this, in the grand scheme of things, is a very small, very workable, very fixable problem.

I am a long time diet pepsi girl. But I've been doing a lot of reading about the detriments of drinking diet soda. One is the sodium content - very high. The second is the chemical content - what is that stuff they put in there? and the third is the theory that drinking a sweet drink makes the person drinking it want more sweet stuff. Which can lead to lots of eating. So I'm trying out a new plan. And of course whenever I try out a new plan it gives my whole program a nice little stirring up and that gets me re-interested in the program. So no diet soda. ANd secondly no alcohol. It's not the alcohol itself that's the problem because I could count the calories in - it's what the alcohol does to my judgement regarding calories that needs to be watched and basically eliminated. Because when I drink, I eat more. I eat with abandon provided by the effect of the alcohol on my brain. We're going into a big weekend here - tonight is the Ring of Fire on the finger lake that I live on, followed by the Fourth celebrations tomorrow and everywhere you go there is alcohol and everyone you see offers you a cold one. So I'm on water. Water, water and more water. And lots of trips to the bathroom - which means more walking! So, it's all good. And I guarantee that my friends will think no less of me for not drinking. I can have just as much fun without the extra calories.
Happy Alcohol-free Diet-Pepsi-free Fourth of July!