Yesterday I spent the entire day with one of my favorite people who just happens to be 18 months old. What a life philosophy this little person has - one to be emulated for sure. When she is hungry she grazes her way through fruit and veggies and whole grains and lean protein. When she is full she recognizes it and simply starts throwing food on the floor. Then it's on to the action. Her little legs and arms are non stop movement as they seek out things to lift and bang and move and topple. Or pour from one receptacle to another. She is quite a reader going through several books an hour or the same book seven hundred and forty three times in a row. Outside there are dogs to point at and grass to touch, sky to marvel at and deck chairs to rearrange. There are sidewalk cracks to be investigated, passing cars to watch, mail men and school busses to wave at.  Although she refused my interview questions, I'm guessing that she is so fascinated with the world around her that she is not thinking about food until her stomach begins to send hunger alerts to her brain. That translates either in to a bit of crankiness which any experienced-with-toddler-behavior adult can interpret as hunger - or she simply pulls on the refrigerator or cupboard handle and makes the sign (yes, she baby-signs) for More!
I would love to be free of the thought of food unless and until my stomach signaled hunger. Perhaps that is the secret. Every time my brain says, 'Feed me,' I could ask my stomach if it sent any emails to my brain. If the answer is no, then it's back to playing and wondering at the world. If the answer from the stomach is 'yes, I did indicate in my last email that I am indeed hungry' than I can graze my way through the good stuff till my stomach sends an 'i'm done' email at which time I shall throw the rest of the food on the floor and resume playing. Works for me.

I don't know about yours - but parts of my extended family are highly dysfunctional. One member of this extended family was traveling with her husband and young sons to visit her mother. Things didn't go well there so they moved on - earlier than planned by days - to the next stop - her aunt and uncle's house where they were supposed to be staying. But apparently the uncle had one of his recurring and highly suspicious and convenient illnesses so they wound up in a hotel. I'm the next stop on her family's journey and I hope to make up for all of the other craziness they have endured. Now, this didn't happen to me directly - but if it had I might have turned to food. It's one of the reasons, I believe, that we eat. We set such high hopes and expectations on our family - hoping that our brother will show up at the event, that our uncle won't be drunk this time, that the steaks won't burn, the kids won't fight, the pending divorce will be postponed. I think we're all looking for June and Ward Cleaver and when that doesn't happen, diappointment and/or embarassment winds its way into our hearts and our sorry selves - or our sorry binge beast that lives within us - cries out for food. I think the most important thing we can do when confronted with dysfunction within our families is to realize that we are not the source of that dysfunction - and hold our heads up high and move with grace and kindness toward the people who have screwed up. We don't have to sink to their level and we especially don't have to stuff (translation: eat mass quantities of food) our disappointment because of their actions.

With the renewed effort I've been making the last few days - my own version of bootcamp - I've dropped the re-regained pounds - again - and am at my lowest so far at 203. Went for a long row this morning. Such a great feeling to be out on the water all by myself in my boat. And I did pretty good, too. On the way out - about a mile and a half I think - I had to take a few rests. But on the way back I felt a surge of power and didn't need to stop. Very cool.
 I'd like to thank Jillian of Biggest Loser for some of my successes. I don't belong to her website nor have I purchased any of her books/tapes/pills/flushes/dvd's/etc but I do like listening to her both on her two shows and on her website. And sometimes when I'm exercising I imagine what she would say to me. Especially when I feel like stopping or even quitting. Can't you see her? Standing there with her hands on her very toned hips, her six pack just showing under her half shirt, yelling, "What? What did you say? You need to rest? Not on my watch. I've just begun to abuse you." Or something like that. But when I feel like stopping I do imagine her yelling at me and then I can ask myself, "Is that all I have or is there more?" And of course there is always more. I just have to dig a little bit harder for it. And I do. And I keep going. So, thanks Jillian! Four pounds to ONEderland. And then I'll imagine her congratulating me! 

Had a long walk again today and I ran again. Part of it. Very small parts of it. But I like it. I like the way my body feels when I run. Not that it's smooth by any means - but it feels like my body is saying, 'thanks! I've been waiting for this.' One problem though - actually two! I need to invest in a really good sports bra because there is way too much going on up top. Whew! Not only painful but a definite distraction for anyone driving by! The women in my family are all well endowed - which is nice I guess - unless you want to get from here to there in anything less than turtle mode and then they start doing their own version of an aerobic workout. I set goals today - run as far as the white car, run as far as the middle of the hill - OR - run until a car comes and then stop so they won't see the major league action going on right in front of me. Or on the front of me. So off to Wally World for a strap-'em-in or else kind of a bra. And then I won't have any excuses for stopping.