Walked two miles this morning - chugged along at a pretty good speed. Had fruit, whole grain carb, WATER, club soda, apple, peanut butter and a lo cal fudgsicle. Then went out in the kayak for a long spin. Good day. Food is still calling to me but somewhat diminished today. Gorgeous blue sky, puffy white clouds. Bit of a breeze. Not much on the work agenda today so read a book - won't win any literary awards but ranks up there as a pretty good beach read.
Evenings have been harder for me recently. I think I need a cut off hour. AFter seven - no  more food. I HATE all these rules but I need them. I need to come up with a better name for them than rules. Parameters? Suggestions? Guidelines?
Geneen Roth (Women Food and God) has a piece of chocolate every day. She maintains that you can not cut out those things that you love. You need to be present and be aware that you are eating your favorite thing so that you don't have to eat the whole bag. Or box. Or gallon. So she stops her whole day and focuses on that one small square of chocolate. I can't begin to list the bags and boxes and bars of things that I have eaten mindlessly - just eaten them all up to fill me up. And of course it never worked. So to try and relearn eating - to be present within my eating so that I am aware of what I'm eating and enjoying - Remembering!!!! - what I'm eating so that I don't have to eat so much of it. And fill myself with other things. Like reading a good book, and being active, and laughing with my friends and family, and loving my family and creating my crafts and being awake, aware and alive within my own life.

I have friends who are beginning a 90 day boot camp this morning. Some program that lays out your food and exercise and trains a different part of you every day. I've decided to join them but am making up my own boot camp. The first change is that I wiill be doing something physical twice a day. I've been going for once a day and not being very consistent. So here's the plan for the day: (that's the other part of boot camp - making my plan every morning)
1. Go for a walk for two miles - have my sneakers on as I type this.
2. Bike ride and/or kayak and/or rowing shell this evening
3. WATER having way too much diet soda lately. Water, water, water, water, water.
4. Protein, yummy fruit, veggies, whole grain. In small meals six times a day.
5. Being nice to me. Compliments for me. Cheering for me. Support for me. All from me.
6. Make a plan for tomorrow.
I'll be checking back in at the other end of today to list how I did. And here's my first compliment of the day. I've been on this journey for a long time now. With 61 pounds gone. And I've hit lots of plateaus and walls and re-gains. But I'm still here. Still trying. Still engaged. Here's to hanging in there.

I'm having trouble getting going again. Nothing seriously horrible happening - just not losing. Maintaining this 206. Summertime = outdoor food available almost all of the time and alcohol available almost all of the time. But!!! exercise is also available as well. Almost all of the time. Gotta get back to it - protein, fruit, veggie, whole grain, water, move my butt. What in the world is stopping me? I seem to make bad choices one little bit at a time. But they add up, of course. One little bite of that, one little drink of this and suddenly it's a day full of too much. I'm happy that I'm not gaining. Very happy. But I seem to keep standing in my own way of getting to my goal. I'm not mad at me or depressed. More - curious. As to the whys of this constant self-interrupt. Self sabotage.
Perhaps I need to take some time every morning to sort this all out. To make some decisions about the day. To center myself. To rededicate myself to the plan, to the effort. I've never tried meditation - not even sure how to do that. But maybe taking a few moments every morning to truly consider, will help me stay on the path. So much of life is passed through without thought - you move through the day, doing errands, doing chores, chatting with people, - but so much of that time just sort of disappears. I'm sounding a little bit Oprah-ish here, but I think I need to be more present in my life and then perhaps it won't be so easy to sabotage myself. If I make myself more aware of ME and what I'm doing it will be harder to step off the plan.
There is a constant chatter in my head - STILL - about food. I think it's always been there - maybe it always will be there. A little bit of interior brain dialogue about what's in the fridge, what's in the cupboard, what can I have, where can I get it. A desperate little feed me cry. And sometimes it breaks through and takes over and I eat. Must be the same for people who take drugs, drink too much, gamble, shop. We're all trying to fill a need. Fill ourselves with something.
As my friend recenlty said, "time to put my big girl pants on and get over myself."

Finally weighed in. Got home from my five day trip to Seattle Monday night. Ate well Tuesday. Weighed in today at 206 which is right where I was before I left. Very pleased with that. I figure I probably went up a few pounds due to richer than normal foods - but there was a LOT of walking involved in the trip - and lots of stairs! - so it evened out well. And now I'm back to business with my plan.
Just watched last night's episode of Losing it with Jillian. Really heart wrenching to watch the two daughters struggle because their Mom was having such a hard time with divorce. They felt betrayed by their Dad who left, and probably abandoned by their Mom who shut down and turned to food. I'm guessing that she has been turning to food for most of her life - just not to this extent. But Jillian worked her magic and was able to get to the root of all three women's problems and upon her return eight weeks later, all three had lost significant amounts of weight. One of the daughter's was afraid to leave home (at 25) because she worried that her Mom would be alone. Wow - we bring so much to this relationship we have with food. Those of us who over eat do so for myriad reasons. Mine is my fear of disppointiing others - my fear of their anger. I'm learning to step away from that anger - learning to realize that most of the time I didn't cause the anger and therefore am not responsible in any way for it. But it's hard. So much easier to turn to my old friend (not really) food.
My new goal: I have a doctor's appt the first week in July and I am determined to be under 200 for that appointement. And that's seven pounds from now. The last few months I've been playing at losing weight. Lose a few, gain a few, lose a few, gain a few. Justify, justify, justify. I was traveling, I was with friends, I didn't mean to...etc. I know what Jillian would say to me - she would call me on playing with it. This is not a game - this is my health. This is the rest of my life. This is the only body I will ever have. So I need to give myself a virtual slap and get moving. So - good food, water, exercise. And 199 by Thursday, July 8.
I was at a restaurant yesterday that has a spacious outdoor deck. There was a large group of people there all attending the same event. Most of the women were medium to slim size. But one woman was obese. I watched her walk from the deck to the buffet table when her group was called to dinner. She waddled heavily from side to side. She walked with a slim woman and appeared to be deep in conversation with her. But I am pretty sure she was thinking about the stark contrast between herself and the woman next to her. She was thinking that she was the heaviest person there. She was uncomfortable, ashamed, guilty, and sad.
I don't want to ever be that woman again. I want to get to a place where I don't have to consider whether or not my large body is in someone's way. I want to walk to the buffet table enjoying the conversation instead of worrying about who is looking at my outsized ass.
I want to be delightfully in charge of me.