I'm having a wonderful time in Seattle and that's a great thing. It's such a beautiful city. Friendly people. Succulent gardens. Lots of great restaurants. Today we took a ferry to Bainbridge Island and had fun poking around in and out of all the little shops. Great breakfast at a diner there - omelet full of interesting veggies. Long walk uphill to visit the local library - one of my favorite things to do in any new place I visit. Lots of walking today. In fact, I am happily sitting with my poor tired feet and legs propped up at the end of a very long and wonderful day. So the good is the good time, and the fun stuff, and the shopping and the family I'm visiting with. The Bad and the Caloric are one in the same. I've had chocolate mousse - oh my - birthday cake - just ok - alcohol - a reasonable amount - and pretty rich meals all around. I'm hoping that the walking and all those hills will have some effect on the calories, but I'm predicting a gain. Not sure how much. And the only solution to that gain is to jump back on the program when I get home on Monday night.
Oh, here's another Good. I have had situations on this trip where I needed to move through crowded spaces - whether it was a crowded shop, or a crowded restaurant, a overloaded bus or ferry line. And in all of those situations, I did not feel like a great big moose in every one's way. And that is a huge change for me. I didn't feel like I was taking up more than my fair share of room. That may seem like a small detail to some, but when you feel like you ARE the moose, it leads to shame and guilt and sadness and eventually binging. Binging to make yourself feel better for being fat, but of course the binging only ever makes you feel worse. So to be in and out of crowded spaces over the last few days and NOT feel huge has been very rewarding for me. And, of course, as always, I was aware of other people who are very heavy and was able to recognize that look on their faces - that look of discomfort, of shame, of wanting to disappear. Of wanting to be out of everyone's way. And I don't have to feel like that anymore. And staying on this journey will keep me feeling that way.
Another Good thing - I was able to keep up with the very physical aspect of the last few days. On and off the city busses. Up and down countless stairs. On and off the ferry. Up and down the streets of Seattle. And I kept up. My thighs didn't chaff. My heart didn't pound. Sure, I'm achey tonight - but the kind of ache that is reasonable, that lets you know you're alive, that you did something. So, I may be up a few but I can take care of that. I'm on vacation, eating reasonably, not binging. And all of that is Good.

I'm across the country in Seattle visiting family and away from my routine and my scale. And my exercise schedule. Nice long walk yesterday. Dinner out - lobster risotto - wonderful. Although I won't be as strict or as aware as I am usually regarding calories and intake, I hope to eat withiin reason and I hope to  move every day. I really don't want to return home to another big gain and be even further away from my goal of breaking 200.
On the airplane I watched heavy people having difficulty managing their way through the narrow aisle and into the narrow and confining seats. I was able to comfortably buckle up. I didn't feel like I was in anyone's way. I did not feel like I was taking up part of the person's seat next to me. I was able to walk through the airport carrying my luggage and not be out of breath. One more wonderful symptom of having lost 61 pounds  (63???). 
I'm not going to ruin this vacation by not eating the food prepared for me by others - but I will watch portion control and I will be sure to get moving. 

206 today after a good day yesterday. Antoher good day today. Good food, good moves. Back on the plan. Taking care of me.
I had an interesting conversation with a wonderful friend today. I was sharing with her my recent fall off my program and my theory that some part of me doesn't think I deserve to be healthy and at goal weight. I told her the story of making my brother a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. When I handed it to him - I was probably 13 and he was 16 - he looked at it, sneered, and said, "You're the only person I know who can fuck up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." He threw it on the counter and walked away. And I cried. (and I don't remember this part - but I probably ate the sandwich)
So after listening to this my friend said, "If that happend to you today you'd tell him to go make his own fucking sandwich." And she's right.
The point here is that today I am a very strong person. I stand my ground. I state my opinons.  I set goals and reach them. I make decisions. I take care of my family. I work hard. I play hard.
Except with food. I have let food keep me fat, keep me unhealthy, keep me away from activities and clothes that I love. Because people in my childhood made me feel that I was stupid. That I was worthless. That I didn't deserve to look and feel good. That I was there to be made fun of, belittled, knocked around.
I need to remind myself daily that I deserve to be healthy. Reminding myself of my worth will allow me to be in charge of food instead of the other way  around. Remind myself that I deserve to look and feel good. That I deserve to have a body that works well for me. And that I make one hell of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

This is tough to write. In my last entry, I was 203 and so excited - so close to ONEderland. And this morning I weighed in at 208. Five pounds in just a few days. What happened? Not sure. I've been trying to think it through - that's one of the reasons I haven't written anything lately. I don't have it all sorted out, but this blog keeps me honest and the longer I stayed away from it, the easier it was to tell myself stories. The easier it was to believe those stories.
Since my 203 day I have eaten ice cream twice - one cone and one attack on a carton of it. Oh, and a large piece of ice cream cake. I've eaten Hershey's candy bars. I've eaten potato chips. I had three chocolate covered cherries. I had a large bag - family size - of cheese popcorn.  What is it about getting closer than ever to goal that has me scared enough to binge? Now the binge didn't look like they used to - it wasn't tens of thousands of calories. It wasn't huge amounts of food at one sitting. But it was lots more calories than I am used to, and it was way more sugar than I'm used to. I had opportunities at food that I did NOT take. But this had all the familiar qualities of a binge - almost a precursor to a binge from my past. The justification was there, the hiding of the evidence was there, the numbness was there - that numbness that allows me to just keep on eating without thinking about what it is doing to me or even what it is tasting like. Without consideration of enjoyment. Just the need to get the food into my mouth. More and more and more of it.
But I stopped it today. I ate my program today. Veggie omelet, blackberries, 100 cal. fudgesicle, steak and small helping of potatos. And water, lots of water.
But more important than being back on my program, is figuring out what happened to throw me back into old patterns of behavior. What led me to the food? I don't think there was an event. I didn't have a fight with anyone, I'm not mad at anyone. I haven't had a disappointment or a sadness. So why?
Maybe it was a combination of things. I tried on new clothes - bought some of them - and was excited about the sizes and the fit. Did that make me feel cocky - like I didn't have to work at it anymore? Accomplished some goals at work - was I celebrating with food and lost track of when the celebrating ended and the binging began? Lots of occasions now that it's summer that are based on food and alcohol. Did I allow myself to be swept up into all of that? Did I just allow myself to forget my program?
The good news is that it's only five pounds. And probably two of that will be gone tomorrow as my body recognizes the return to normal eating. The bad news is that until I not ony figure out the triggers and arm myself with reasonable ways to 1. recognized the signs and 2. immediately go into defensive stance against the binge  - - I'm only going to continue to have these mini-binges which I know from long and horrible yo-yo experience - will only lead to full blown binge status.
I know that all it takes is stopping for just a few seconds and considering. Asking myself Do I really want THIS? Asking myself if I am hungry. Never eating mindlessly with the TV or a book. Mindful decisive eating. That's what works for me. But man, it's a little overwhelming on the other end of this mini-binge to realize just how easily I slipped into the calming ocean of 'c'mere and eat this and you'll feel better.'
I like my body now. I can see where I will end up, how I will look at the end of the loss. I like my clothes now. I like how I feel after exercise. I HATE that all of this is up to me. HATE IT. I think anyone who struggles with this wants a magic pill. And as much as I too want that pill, most of me knows that that would not be the answer for me. That that is just too easy. The only way I can own this new body is by continuing to do the exercise and the planned eating that I have been doing. Maybe all of that good stuff - the planning and the exercising - is the reason that it was only a mini-binge. A binge in training.
And I will win this journey. I will lose - re-lose - these stupid five pounds and all the rest of it and I will make goal and I will be healthy.
It's interesting that I have had two gains fairly close together as I approach ONEderland. There has to be something to that.
Perhaps - I don't think I'm worth it. Perhaps that little girl that got yelled at so often, was told she was stupid so often, perhaps she's convinced that she is not worth taking care of. Time to let the grown up in me take care of that little girl and stop feeding her sugar and crap. Time to give that little girl some good food, and some good moves and a whole lot of love.
Because I am absolutley worth it.