We all know that we need to eat less and move more in order to lose weight. That there is no magic pill or elixir that can melt those pounds away. But I'm beginning to understand that there is another secret to weight loss. ONe that I am just starting to understand, just starting to employ. I believe that my binging habit began in my childhood when as early as six or seven years old I began to turn to food for comfort to ease the pain of the anger and abuse that my childhood home was filled with. Even when I left that home, I continued to self-abuse with food. I have struggled for a long time with this question - why am I still comforting myself with food when the abuse that created the reaction is long over - in other words - did my self abuse that was once a reaction to hurt become a habit? And I have finally answered that question. I believe that I continued to binge long after the abuse ended, because I hadn't faced my abusers. I hadn't had the opportunity to ask, "Why? What did I ever do that caused you to be so angry, so cruel to me?" I  don't know if an actual face to face would have been productive for me - but I was always worried about it being equally painful and cruel - worried that they might just continue with their hateful comments.  I never faced my abusers and I still have no intention of doing so. But there is somethig even better than confrontation. But also even harder.

It's forgiveness.

For the last several days, I have been in daily negotiations with myself to forgive my abusers. To let it all go. To move on. I may never know the reasons why ithe abuse occurred - and I have come to the decision that that is ok with me. My best guess is displaced anger - they were mad at other things/people in their lives and took it out on me. Probably because I was there - an easy target - too little to stand up for myself and even when I got bigger - too worn down by the abuse to be able to or even know how to stand up to them. I am working on remembering that no one is perfect, that people are flawed, that I was treated cruelly because those people were damaged themselves.

Every time I think about them and utter the phrase, "I forgive you," I feel lighter. Some of the damage falls away and I get to walk forward into my life without a bit of the baggage I have carried for so many years. Virtual weight loss.  By forgiving them, I end their control over me that same way I am ending food's control over me. I control the food I put in my mouth now and I am getting a handle on controlling how I view my abusers - how much mental time I give them. So I'm not just shedding pounds (214 again today) - I'm shedding fear, hate, confusion, and guilt all of which are very heavy emotions.

And that particular weight loss secret is absolutley free of charge. All I have to do to get it, is decide to forgive.