206.5. I was hoping for six today so good news! Had such an interesting day yesterday. For the first time in my life I had a conversation with a psychic. I'm not big on any of that stuff but it sure was fascinating to listen to. One of the things she told me was that I sabotage my own efforts and then feel pinned down by that sabotage - but that I'm coming to terms with it and she sees it fading away - which actually is just how I feel. (She also told me that I'm moving to the west coast in a few years and I don't see that happening at all.) Whether or not this psychic sees that for me - I sure do. And I think that's a whole lot more important.
Great news this morning. My 16 shorts are really baggy in the butt and semi-loose in the waist band. I put on my size 14's (because of course like any yo yo dieter, I have all sorts of sizes in my closet, basement, garage) and they zipped! Now, I couldn't move really well and they pushed all my tummy fat up and over the waistband (always a good look!) but they ZIPPED! ANd I could breathe! I'm not wearing them - but I will be soon. I predict when I break into ONEderland - a short 7 pounds away, those 14's will be on me.  With no gut hanging over the top.
One thing I'm really excited about is the way I'm handling this four pound gain. I could have given up. Said what the hell? four pounds in four days? But I didn't. I just soldiered on. And that is new for me. I used to be very good at giving up - not on other things, but definitely on me. And this time I didn't give up on me. I simply went back to my plan.
I'm reading Geneen Roth's book - Women Food and God - and I highly recommend it. I'm underlining as I read and I'm finding something to underline on almost every page. So when I finish, I'll go back and read the underlined parts. There are a few I'd like to write down and post in my office. Here's a sample:
"I started dieting the same year I started bingeing. Dieting gave me a purpose. Bingeing gave me relief from the relentless attempt to be someone else."
"Compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive. No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul. We refuse to take in what sustains us. We have lives of deprivation. And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge. The way we are able to accomplish all of this is by the simple act of bolting - of leaving ourselves - hundreds of times a day."

I've had people leave me - both physically and emotionally. And I've been very guilty of leaving me - of not living within the present - but I'm not going to leave myself anymore. I'm going to have a good time in this body and in this life - and all it takes to do that is a decision. So I'm saying yes to me and yes to life and no to not ever leaving myself again. I need to allow myself to feel every feeling as it occurs - sadness, loneliness, betrayal, anger. I need to not be afraid of those emotions. I can't control what other people do - whether they stay or go - but I can control what I do. And I'm staying.