This is tough to write. In my last entry, I was 203 and so excited - so close to ONEderland. And this morning I weighed in at 208. Five pounds in just a few days. What happened? Not sure. I've been trying to think it through - that's one of the reasons I haven't written anything lately. I don't have it all sorted out, but this blog keeps me honest and the longer I stayed away from it, the easier it was to tell myself stories. The easier it was to believe those stories.
Since my 203 day I have eaten ice cream twice - one cone and one attack on a carton of it. Oh, and a large piece of ice cream cake. I've eaten Hershey's candy bars. I've eaten potato chips. I had three chocolate covered cherries. I had a large bag - family size - of cheese popcorn.  What is it about getting closer than ever to goal that has me scared enough to binge? Now the binge didn't look like they used to - it wasn't tens of thousands of calories. It wasn't huge amounts of food at one sitting. But it was lots more calories than I am used to, and it was way more sugar than I'm used to. I had opportunities at food that I did NOT take. But this had all the familiar qualities of a binge - almost a precursor to a binge from my past. The justification was there, the hiding of the evidence was there, the numbness was there - that numbness that allows me to just keep on eating without thinking about what it is doing to me or even what it is tasting like. Without consideration of enjoyment. Just the need to get the food into my mouth. More and more and more of it.
But I stopped it today. I ate my program today. Veggie omelet, blackberries, 100 cal. fudgesicle, steak and small helping of potatos. And water, lots of water.
But more important than being back on my program, is figuring out what happened to throw me back into old patterns of behavior. What led me to the food? I don't think there was an event. I didn't have a fight with anyone, I'm not mad at anyone. I haven't had a disappointment or a sadness. So why?
Maybe it was a combination of things. I tried on new clothes - bought some of them - and was excited about the sizes and the fit. Did that make me feel cocky - like I didn't have to work at it anymore? Accomplished some goals at work - was I celebrating with food and lost track of when the celebrating ended and the binging began? Lots of occasions now that it's summer that are based on food and alcohol. Did I allow myself to be swept up into all of that? Did I just allow myself to forget my program?
The good news is that it's only five pounds. And probably two of that will be gone tomorrow as my body recognizes the return to normal eating. The bad news is that until I not ony figure out the triggers and arm myself with reasonable ways to 1. recognized the signs and 2. immediately go into defensive stance against the binge  - - I'm only going to continue to have these mini-binges which I know from long and horrible yo-yo experience - will only lead to full blown binge status.
I know that all it takes is stopping for just a few seconds and considering. Asking myself Do I really want THIS? Asking myself if I am hungry. Never eating mindlessly with the TV or a book. Mindful decisive eating. That's what works for me. But man, it's a little overwhelming on the other end of this mini-binge to realize just how easily I slipped into the calming ocean of 'c'mere and eat this and you'll feel better.'
I like my body now. I can see where I will end up, how I will look at the end of the loss. I like my clothes now. I like how I feel after exercise. I HATE that all of this is up to me. HATE IT. I think anyone who struggles with this wants a magic pill. And as much as I too want that pill, most of me knows that that would not be the answer for me. That that is just too easy. The only way I can own this new body is by continuing to do the exercise and the planned eating that I have been doing. Maybe all of that good stuff - the planning and the exercising - is the reason that it was only a mini-binge. A binge in training.
And I will win this journey. I will lose - re-lose - these stupid five pounds and all the rest of it and I will make goal and I will be healthy.
It's interesting that I have had two gains fairly close together as I approach ONEderland. There has to be something to that.
Perhaps - I don't think I'm worth it. Perhaps that little girl that got yelled at so often, was told she was stupid so often, perhaps she's convinced that she is not worth taking care of. Time to let the grown up in me take care of that little girl and stop feeding her sugar and crap. Time to give that little girl some good food, and some good moves and a whole lot of love.
Because I am absolutley worth it.