206 today after a good day yesterday. Antoher good day today. Good food, good moves. Back on the plan. Taking care of me.
I had an interesting conversation with a wonderful friend today. I was sharing with her my recent fall off my program and my theory that some part of me doesn't think I deserve to be healthy and at goal weight. I told her the story of making my brother a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. When I handed it to him - I was probably 13 and he was 16 - he looked at it, sneered, and said, "You're the only person I know who can fuck up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." He threw it on the counter and walked away. And I cried. (and I don't remember this part - but I probably ate the sandwich)
So after listening to this my friend said, "If that happend to you today you'd tell him to go make his own fucking sandwich." And she's right.
The point here is that today I am a very strong person. I stand my ground. I state my opinons.  I set goals and reach them. I make decisions. I take care of my family. I work hard. I play hard.
Except with food. I have let food keep me fat, keep me unhealthy, keep me away from activities and clothes that I love. Because people in my childhood made me feel that I was stupid. That I was worthless. That I didn't deserve to look and feel good. That I was there to be made fun of, belittled, knocked around.
I need to remind myself daily that I deserve to be healthy. Reminding myself of my worth will allow me to be in charge of food instead of the other way  around. Remind myself that I deserve to look and feel good. That I deserve to have a body that works well for me. And that I make one hell of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.