Finally weighed in. Got home from my five day trip to Seattle Monday night. Ate well Tuesday. Weighed in today at 206 which is right where I was before I left. Very pleased with that. I figure I probably went up a few pounds due to richer than normal foods - but there was a LOT of walking involved in the trip - and lots of stairs! - so it evened out well. And now I'm back to business with my plan.
Just watched last night's episode of Losing it with Jillian. Really heart wrenching to watch the two daughters struggle because their Mom was having such a hard time with divorce. They felt betrayed by their Dad who left, and probably abandoned by their Mom who shut down and turned to food. I'm guessing that she has been turning to food for most of her life - just not to this extent. But Jillian worked her magic and was able to get to the root of all three women's problems and upon her return eight weeks later, all three had lost significant amounts of weight. One of the daughter's was afraid to leave home (at 25) because she worried that her Mom would be alone. Wow - we bring so much to this relationship we have with food. Those of us who over eat do so for myriad reasons. Mine is my fear of disppointiing others - my fear of their anger. I'm learning to step away from that anger - learning to realize that most of the time I didn't cause the anger and therefore am not responsible in any way for it. But it's hard. So much easier to turn to my old friend (not really) food.
My new goal: I have a doctor's appt the first week in July and I am determined to be under 200 for that appointement. And that's seven pounds from now. The last few months I've been playing at losing weight. Lose a few, gain a few, lose a few, gain a few. Justify, justify, justify. I was traveling, I was with friends, I didn't mean to...etc. I know what Jillian would say to me - she would call me on playing with it. This is not a game - this is my health. This is the rest of my life. This is the only body I will ever have. So I need to give myself a virtual slap and get moving. So - good food, water, exercise. And 199 by Thursday, July 8.
I was at a restaurant yesterday that has a spacious outdoor deck. There was a large group of people there all attending the same event. Most of the women were medium to slim size. But one woman was obese. I watched her walk from the deck to the buffet table when her group was called to dinner. She waddled heavily from side to side. She walked with a slim woman and appeared to be deep in conversation with her. But I am pretty sure she was thinking about the stark contrast between herself and the woman next to her. She was thinking that she was the heaviest person there. She was uncomfortable, ashamed, guilty, and sad.
I don't want to ever be that woman again. I want to get to a place where I don't have to consider whether or not my large body is in someone's way. I want to walk to the buffet table enjoying the conversation instead of worrying about who is looking at my outsized ass.
I want to be delightfully in charge of me.