At my heaviest I weighed 267. I've lost over 60 of those pounds which I know is a great achievement. I'm struggling to lose the last 40. I seem to go up five and down the same five over and over. Not sure why I'm unable - yet - to go the last way but I'm pretty sure I'll figure it out. But when I was 267 I was a big girl. Wearing 3x clothes. Size 24. Big. I'm tall so I have a long frame to stretch that weight over - but still I was huge. And I felt that weight every time I got in my car, every time I sat or stood or rolled over in bed. All those rolls and lumps and extra stuff.
Because of this journey I have become more aware of the heavy people around me. I stopped in a convenience store yesterday and the clerk took up most of the room behind the counter. As she waited on customers - stooping to retrieve cigarettes from behind the counter - she huffed and puffed and carried herself in a way that spelled - to me at least - resignation. She wore no makeup, no jewelry. And in the brief time I was in the store, I saw no joy on her face. Has she just given up, given in to food? Allowed it to take over her everything? I think so. She had to be 350. Maybe more. Huge stomach, back, legs, arms. just an explosion of a person. And I felt so sorry for her. I know what she's doing when she's alone, because I've been there. And even though I know that stuffing myself with food fixes nothing - in fact, creates more problems - I still ocassionally cave into fixing my prolems with food. The sweet release of chocolate melting in my mouth. The satisfying crunch of the first potato chip - especially a fold over one - from the new bag of Lay's. It is still a constant pull that I have to plan against by having the food I need on hand. By not going to the those places I know carry my triggers. But this woman stayed with me all day - still have her with me this morning - and I feel so bad for her for being so lost in food that she has lost herself. And there is so much joy to be had. Little stuff. Yesterday I saw a llittle four year old boy wearing long shorts with big sharks printed all over them. the only other thing he was wearing was a very strange pair of sunglasses. And he cracked me up. Had a great chat with a good friend and that filled me up. Had a fun night with friends - nothing special, just sitting around talking. But if I let that stuff fill me up, fill the hole in my soul, than I don't need the candy and the salt - because that's only a temporary fix. As soon as my blood sugar level drops, I'll need to go off and find more of the stuff to fix me and eventually I will become that lady at the conenience store.
I will win this battle. I will.