In early Oct I have a doctor appointment. It's just a regular checkup - but it's also a great opportunity for me to set a goal to be completely and finally and forever more under 200 pounds. What a great feeling that will be to step up on those god awful industrial scale and not be over 200. And have my doc - who is heavy herself - ask me how I did it. Or have the nurse - who is also heavy - ask me the same thing. And all I'll have to say is , eat less move more. Which no one ever wants to hear but which is the only thing that really works long term. So that's my new goal. Not difficult to obtain. BUT  and a big butt it is! I have been losing and gaining and losing and gaining and losing and gaining the same five pounds for several weeks now. It's time to just lose it and keep it lost. Maybe I'll go back to posting my weight every day here. Along with what I ate and what I did for exercise. It worked before so I'll try it again.
I had a meeting today with a woman who is obese and has been obese for her entire life. She was wearing a sleeveless shirt and her arms are massive. Is it ok with her? Has she accepted herself? Does she not look in the mirror, or does she look in the mirror and like what she sees? She is in a position in which she talks to a lot of people - as in public speaking. And I wonder if the people listen to her, or are they sitting in judgement of her size? she doesn't go to lunch with our group when we go - because we walk to the restaurant and it's too painful for her to walk the short distance. Whereever we go, she has to find the elevator to take her up a short flight of stairs. And she has a long history of medical problems and complaints.
I don't want any of that. I don't want to come anywhere near close to any of that. When I eat poorly, I feel fat and ugly. When I eat well, I feel strong and in control. And happier. So much happier. Not silly happy - but calm and in charge and peaceful and worthy. Worthy of taking care of myself and treating myself with kindness and caring.
Just can't yet figure out why I can't consistently treat myself that way. Why I still ocassionally go back to the food. But I'm going to continue to try to figure it out until I do. And that will just give me more control - which will lead to feeling even better. Win/win.