Here I go again. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. 267. As in two hundred and sixty seven pounds. More than most linebackers in the NFL. Certainly more than my husband. On my way to three hundred. I'm so sick of this constant battle. I lose ten pounds and gain twelve. Lose twenty and gain twenty-three.

I can put a name to what I do - I'm a binge eater. When I'm in public, I eat normally. Regular sized portions. Usually reasonable choices. As whatever the event is occurs around me and I seem to be participating in it - talking with people, laughing at jokes, being part of things - what I'm actually doing is planning where I will get my binge food. What store I will go to, what I will buy, where I'll eat it, how I'll hide it, how I'll get rid of the wrappers. Because when I'm alone, everything changes. There is an empty place inside of me that I try to fill with food. Lots of food. Mostly sugar - candy, cookies, ice cream. But sometimes salt or crunch so chips or popcorn. I don't ever throw up the food because I'm holding in the food, like I hold in my emotions. Jamming food into me in a never-ending battle to fill fulfilled. To fill the hole in my soul.

So I'm starting again. Tomorrow is Day One. We all know how to lose weight. Eat less. Eat healthy. Move more. It's definitely not rocket science. So my plan is simple. Five small meals a day - breakfast, lunch, dinner and two snacks. Lots of fruit. Lots of veggies. Lean protein. Whole grains. Whenever I eat a whole grain I'll also have a protein.

I know how to eat right to lose weight. It's staying with the plan that always ends up being my downfall. If things don't go well and the numbers don't show a loss, I can think of so many reasons and justifications for quitting. And I'm great at thinking up reasons not to exercise.

So I'm using this blog to record my progress, my problems, my losses, my gains. And hopefully, eventually I'll meet my goal weight of 165 - a great weight for my 5 feet and 9 inches. That's 102 pounds away. A whole other person that I need to lose.

Here I go again.