Hope is one of my favorite words. It's what sees us all through. No matter if it's trouble at work, stress within our family, or a bad case of the blues - hope is what leads us out of any tunnel we find ourselves in. We hope for better weather, a bigger paycheck, to find that one true love, a favorite dinner, a good night kiss. And those of us who are round hope to one day be slim. Those of us who are controlled by food hope to one day be out from underneath that particular yoke of oppression. On a bad eating day I spend those moments before sleep chastising myself and allowing the guilt to win. But on a day like today that included raspberries for breakfast and protein and veggies for lunch and dinner - that included a trip to the store to buy goggles so that I could start swimming again - that included a promise to a good friend that I will indeed show up at the pool at a given time - on a day like today I don't have to go to bed with guilt on my pillow. I get to brush my teeth, put on my jamies and think of other things besides the long list of eating transgressions that accompany me to bed on binge days. A guiltless night gives me hope that there will be more of those good days to follow. This one good day allows a window of hope - a window that lets me see days ahead full of activity. Days ahead pain free. (Thin people don't understand that it actually hurts to be fat. Knees, back, legs - all screaming in pain from the effort of carrying the weight around.) Emotions have weight. Guilt is a very heavy emotion to carry. So is jealousy, hatred and remorse. But hope? Weightless. It sits softly with me and gently teases the corners of my mouth until I give in to the smile that hope put on my face.
Good night.