Dr. Phil often asks people about their clarifying moments - moments that influence or even direct the course of thier lives. Lots of moments fly by and are quickly forgotten. But the moments we remember are the ones that are tagged with an emotion. Our happiest, our saddest, our most painful. I remember the first time the word fatso came flying in my direction. It was years and years ago but I can call it back - all of it. The colors, the sounds, the hurt. Elementary school recess. I was wearing a plaid dress - navy blue and yellow I think. And I was standing off to the side of a dodge ball game having not been chosen for either team. I hadn't really wanted to play, but I had wanted to be chosen. And then here came that word. And it attached itself to me and that first flinging of it somehow gave permission for the others to use it, too. It followed me home becoming my two brothers' new favorite torment. I come from a long line of tall people and so on that day in fifth grade I had already reached my adult height of 5 feet and 9 inches. When I look at pictures of me in that time period I was all legs and arms and all four were incredibly skinny. I wasn't picked for that team that day not because I was fat, but because I hadn't yet figured out how to make those long limbs work for me - hadn't yet become the athlete I would be just a few years later. What those young kids saw that day was an awkward too tall gangly girl and not having the right word for that - someone called me fatso. But even worse, I believed them and eventually over time I became the very thing they had inaccurately called me. I became fatso. One word tossed and repeated a long time ago isn't the entire reason for why I let myself go - but it is part of the mixture of why. That day is forever tagged in my time line. I still can't hear that word without cringing. Luckily for me I have many more 'tagged' moments that are wonderful than I do those that are painful. And of course those great moments are the harbingers of hope.

Today was another great day. No sugar. For me that is the key. I've been playing with that a little bit pretending that I can have sugar when of course as an addict I can not have it ever - not iin its refined state. So two days of sobriety and the dizzy woozy yucky feeling is gone. My engine is running - practically purring and I'm ending another day with a smile. Breakfast out with a friend - veggie omelet. Some nuts and a bit of popcorn for a snack and then protein/veggies for dinner. I'm full and proud of myself. And am off to get a nice big mug full of hot water with lemon and then to curl up with a good book.