The thing that I know about this struggle is that it is my choice. It's all up to me and I'm on call 24/7. And that pisses me off almost all the time. It would be so nice to hand it over to someone else. You do the workout. You say no to the chocolate. You drink the water, count the calories, measure the portions, balance the plate.  A very long time ago when my father asked which one of my brothers wanted to get their hair cut first, one of them said, "Him first and then not me." And that's how I feel alot of the time. You do it and then not me. But even when I'm being all pissy and whiney, I still know that I'm the one that has to do it. The days I don't do well are the days I allow a veil to drop down over my ability to see clearly - to remember clearly that I'm in charge of my body. I'm in charge of what goes into it and how much it moves. If I let the veil drop, I can go buy the goodies and binge away. I let myself eat the chips, icecream, candy, cookies till I'm way past full. I don't like the veil, I don't like it when I'm whiney, I don't like the binging, I don't like the after effects of binging. In fact I hate all of it - sometimes even the eating. But still I'm drawn to doing it. I am aware when the veil starts to loosen, starts to drop, starts to obscure my resolve. I have to yank hard on the cord to make the veil go back up. Me. I have to do it. Only by seeing clearly can I continue to recognize that this journey is all up to me. I'm calling all the moves. And sometimes when the veil starts to drop I let it. I let it. I choose to look away, choose not to react, choose not to pull the cord. Choose to enter the land of addiction, choose to give up my control. Yanking the cord is a strong decisive abrupt move. Ignoring the veil is not. It's shadowy. Murky. More that I've given in than I've decided to binge. A falling, a caving in. I want to be the strong woman who pulls the cord and lets in the light. 
This entry sounds like I've had a relapse but I have not. I was driving home from errands - with no food in the car, no food in the purse for later. And I thought about stopping for something - was going over the choices of what to get - ice cream? chips? and I could almost feel my brain - my present brain - sliding away. That's when I got the image of an interior veil.  That's when I pulled the cord.