After I finished writing my last entry in which I wrote about the size 18 jeans I was wearing - looking forward to rewarding myself when I was able to zip up my 16's - I got to thinking about those sizes. Something about that didn't sound right to me.  I know how much I weigh (240 this morning) and I was pretty sure that all of that blubber would not fit into a pair of 18's so I checked the tag. And my jeans are not size 18 - they're size 20. I was the one who bought them. I'm the one who's wearing them and still I somehow managed to blot all that knowledge out and convince myself they were 18's. Being a size in the teens is so much better that being in the 20's. To me, 20 just screams enormous. Over the top. Mega huge. So I must have conveniently changed the number in my head - the big headed denial monster was definitely in charge of that particular move. I've gone back in and edited that blog post so it now reveals the correct size. How nice it would be to be able to enter the area in my brain labeled DENIAL, click a few buttons and edit away the years of denial and justification. All the times I said, "I'll start my diet tomorrow." or "I'll just have a taste." or "I've been really good so I deserve this." Sometimes looking in the  mirror and actually seeing myself - how much weight I've gained - that awful feeling can be chased away with more denial. Instead of really seeing my reflection I quickly move on to other distractions so that I don't have to face my reflection. I remember - I think is was the choreographer Debbie Allen - saying that every day she takes her clothes off and really looks at herself in the mirror. Really takes it all in. I can't remember the last time I did that. It's so much easier not to look. To avoid the mirror. To avoid the truth of what I've done to myself. To avoid the reality of size 20 jeans. So I've edited in the correct size and I'm going to continue to post my weight in every entry. I'm on alert for any sign of justification or denial. They are my partners in this crime of binging. But they are not the kind of partners I need.