Having a really tough time tonight. I'm not eating but I sure am thinking about it. Not sure why. Had a great day today with family. 239 this morning - so no weight gain. If I have a gain, - or a gain that I think is undeserved - that can set me off on a binge. Luckily there is nothing here for me to eat - at least nothing in my binge categories. I've got lots of gum and that helps a bit. Think I'll go find a pretty glass and have a big tall glass of hot water. With lemon. It's cold and wet and dark outside so the weather will prevent me from making a buying trip. So I'm almost positive I won't eat but I sure would like to know why I want to. Anger is another trigger for me but I'm not currently mad at anyone. Not lonely, not tired, not bored, not mad. Maybe part of it is thinking about what a long road I have. I'm working on accepting that I need to work this plan for the rest of my life. In the past when I have completed other diets that usually resulted in big weight losses I would go right back to my old habits and regain the weight. Fooling myself into believing that I had solved my problem by losing the weight. It's not the weight that's the problem - it's the binging that's the problem. The weight is a symptom of the disease. So maybe it is anger driving me. Maybe I miss my old friends ice cream and candy. My head knows they're not really my friends but that message hasn't yet been received by my soul - or whatever part of my soul that is wounded and hoping to heal itself with food.   Sounds like I need to make some new friends.

I'm feeling better just by writing these words. I guess I let a little steam out of that pot of boiling anger I seem to carry around with me. Maybe eventually I'll find a way to empty that pot for good. And now I know that I won't be eating tonight.