The hardest part of this journey for me is the time that I am alone. I have never had trouble with what I call regular food - meal food. I rarely take seconds and my meals are portioned well and balanced well. My binging takes place alone and is alwasy hidden. So when I am on my way to and from work or out doing errands - any time I am alone in my car - I am tempted. Every corner brings a different store or gas station that house all my enemies. Row after row of candy. Freezers full of Ben and Jerry's. Shelves full of cookies, pies and cakes. Yesterday I finished work a bit early and ran a few errands. Before I went into Wall Mart I sat in the car for a few minutes and reminded myself of my list. I wanted a behind the door shoe-pocket thing (this from my closet organizing to rid myself of anything that didn't fit) and an expandable file folder for a project at work. I went to the two areas where those things were sold, made my selections and checked out. Of course the ice cream was calling to me from the grocery section and the candy bars called from the cash register aisle but I focused on my two purchases and left the store - success! As I drove out of the parking lot I started to consider all the other stores in the area - made a mental list of what food I could get and where.  Candy at the gas station. Ice cream or those little popovers that explode in your mouth at the grocery store. When I became aware of what I was doing, I pulled my car over out of traffic and sat there for a few moments. At first I was both discouraged and pissed that once again that my binge disorder was rearing its ugly head. Eventually I figured out that I had made a plan for Wall Mart - but hadn't made a plan for getting home past all of the other places that sell my addiction. I told myself in my firmest voice that I had to go right home, that I could make no other stops. And I did as I was told. As I left the shopping mall areas, I started to smile. I was proud of me. Proud for making myself aware, proud for pulling the car over and focusing, proud of making a decision. I know I will need to do this for the rest of my life, but I think - I hope - that habit will make it easier. I stayed sober - sugar free - and I got to go to bed guilt free. There are so many good parts to this new plan - but one of the best parts is going to sleep without the yoke of guilt that I have worn for so many years on all of those bad binge days.
238 this morning. No loss, but no gain.