Went to a brithday party today where the most delicious cupcakes were served. The cake part was chocolate and you could tell by looking at it that it wasn't the dry type of cake, but the rich melt in your mouth fudgy type cake - topped with about two inches of home made frosting that swirled round and round to a lovely little point on the top. I was asked to help serve so I carried those scrumptious little packages of yum from the kitchen counter to a variety of guests, two at a time, over and over again. And I didn't have one. Wanted one. Could feel how that frosting would have melted in my mouth.  Could imagine how all that yummy chocolate would have tasted on my tongue, between my teeth. Watched every other person at the party chomp into one. Watched them lick their fingers afterward.  But I said no. It took the group no more than five or six minutes to polish off the cupcakes. And it was hard not joining in the cake hoopla. But it was over so fast  - the room full of empty plates and chocolate crumbs. And the party moved on to other things - conversation, laughter, oohs and ahhs over presents. No one asked me why I didn't have one - my saying no didn't turn up on anyone's radar except mine.  As soon as the plates and napkins were cleared away and the whole threat of looming sugar was removed, I started feeling really good - really proud of myself. There was no one there watching me - no one to say, "Should you be eating that?" The only one in charge of what I ate today was me and I said no. I decided not to eat the cupcake. Because I knew that if I did, I could very possibly slide right back into binge eating. One bite of chocolate is never one bite for me. One taste of refined sugar for some reason in my brain always translates to 'give me more.' And I am compelled to do just that. But I didn't take the bait, didn't get on the slide.
I'm still at 235. Funny. I was so happy with that five and now it's making me mad just by showing up - over and over again! But I know there is a four in my future. In my cupcake-less future.